The Case of the Missing Corpse
© N Pattern
&
J M A
2000-2010
Summary
Two private detectives
investigate the mystery surrounding the disappearance of a dead body. Some guy
named Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth.
Cast
MONDAY _____________
CLEOPAS _____________
THOMAS _____________
GUARD 1 _____________
GUARD 2 _____________
GUARD 3 _____________
BARMAID _____________
MARY _____________
PRIEST _____________
PILATE _____________
CENTURION _____________
JESUS _____________
Scenes
1)
Monday’s off ‘is head.
2)
A Grave Situation.
3)
A Bar Made in Heaven
4)
Heyup Mary Fair of Face
5)
Priests to Meet You
6)
Pile Lots More Trouble On
7)
‘E May As Well Tell Us
8)
Thomas! Did You Miss Us?
1)
Monday’s Off ‘is head
Monday (V.O.) Jerusalem,
Judea, AD33. The Jewish Passover festival had just finished everything seemed
normal. A suicide, a few crucifixions, triumphant processions and a fight in
the temple. Life as usual - which is why it was so surprising when something weird
happened.
My
name’s Monday. Maxwell Monday Junior. I’m a private investigator.
SFX
intro
Monday (V.O.) The
day in question started like any other day. I was sitting at my desk in my
office. Like all good offices it was in down-town Jerusalem. Unlike the good
offices it was also down an alley-way, down a flight of stairs, down a
corridor, third door on your left and mind the rats. I was reading the newspaper.
Monday Hey
Cleo what’s a seven letter word beginning with "M" that stands for
the anointed King of God?
Monday (V.O.) Cleo
would have been the perfect secretary if she’d been blond, taller, slimmer,
better looking, punctual, efficient or possessing any skills whatsoever. Still with the peanuts I was paying even
monkeys turned me down.
CLEOPAS Don't
call me Cleo. Where do you get these stupid questions from?
MONDAY (V.O.) Things were proceeding as usual: slowly,
tediously and with seemingly no connection to any form of income. Then
suddenly, there came a knock at the door.
SFX doorbell
MONDAY (V.O.) Even
then I knew it was going to be a long day.
CLEOPAS Thomas,
called Didymus, to see you Max.
MONDAY Send
him in, secretary. And bring us some coffee.
CLEOPAS Yes
sir.
SFX
entering room and pulling up a chair.
THOMAS That's
the ugliest secretary I've ever seen.
MONDAY(V.O.) Thomas
seemed a respectable sort, smart and possibly even reliable enough to pay
us. Maybe not to quick on the uptake
though and he had a sceptical air which didn’t bode well for my expenses claim.
MONDAY Good
morning, can I call you Didymus?
THOMAS No. Just call me Thomas … Did you
miss the message?
MONDAY What
message?
THOMAS I
had my doubts about you getting it.
MONDAY Look
what can I do for you?
THOMAS I
wanted to hire the best private detective in Jerusalem.
MONDAY So
you came to me.
THOMAS No,
I went to the best private detective in Jerusalem. He was busy, then I went to
the second best private detective in Jerusalem he was... well to cut a very
long story short I came to you.
MONDAY How
about you sit down and tell me your problem.
THOMAS A
friend of mine, named Joseph of Arimathea, has had a situation with a tomb over
the weekend.
MONDAY So
he's an undertaker?
THOMAS Actually,
he's a member of the council, he just runs a little funeral service on the side
- which brings me to the problem: grave robbers.
MONDAY Oh I hate them, one broke into the
cemetery last week and walked off with a tombstone.
(pause FX wind blowing)
MONDAY Sorry,
my little joke. I assume you mean the kind that break into tombs and steal the
treasure buried with dead people.
THOMAS Exactly,
only these guys, whoever they were, weren’t interested in treasure. They took
... the body.
SFX Bom Bom Bommm
MONDAY That’s
different.
THOMAS Well
there's always been something different about the man who was buried there.
MONDAY King
Tut?
THOMAS No.
A man named Jesus. Jesus of Nazareth.
SFX
Bom Bom Bommm
THOMAS What is that?
MONDAY I
think the doorbell’s gone haywire again. Jesus, Jesus … yeah I came across that
name in the obituaries.
SFX random boms until
doorbell dies painful death.
THOMAS You
can read?
MONDAY For
your information I always enjoy the political section.
THOMAS It
looks like you’re reading Charlie Brown.
MONDAY Charlie
Brown can be very political - anyway this guy was crucified right?
THOMAS Right,
on Friday.
MONDAY Friday?
That means we don't have much time to find the body and i.d. it before, P-ew!
THOMAS So
you better get cracking.
MONDAY Hey
when do we get paid for this?
THOMAS Payment
by results. You get the money when I get the body. Until I see the nail marks in his hands and
put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not
believe it
MONDAY Urgh!
THOMAS I
have gloves.
MONDAY What
do you care about this body? Who was he to you anyway?
THOMAS Let's
just say I care and leave it at that.
SFX chair being pulled out.
THOMAS You
might like to start by questioning some of the soldiers who were on guard
outside the tomb.
MONDAY A
Roman guard was outside the tomb and it still got robbed?
THOMAS Talk
to them not to me.
SFX
man exits and door closing.
CLEOPAS Coffee’s up. Oh for crying
out loud not again! Can’t you keep a client long enough to boil water?
MONDAY Relax,
we’ve got a client. And a job to do.
2)
A Grave Situation.
MONDAY (V.O) After
our executive briefing, Cleo and I went straight to the scene of the crime:
“Joe's Buy a Grave and SAVE funeral service”, who, according to their poster,
put the “fun back into funeral”. I had to admit the prices were dead low – it
must have been the sale of the cemetery.
We
proceeded to the tomb with the vacancy sign lit up. Here we found a number of Roman soldiers
rushing madly about, bumping into each other and looking under rocks, in
bushes, bins, trees, you name it.
They
were running about like chickens with their heads cut off. My guess: they’d be 'soldiers with their heads cut off' if they didn’t find whatever it
was they were looking for. Being a top class private eye I also had a pretty
good idea what that might be.
We
headed towards the pair that looked like they were in charge. Or at least looked most worried. A corporal panicking about punishment and a
second who looked like he’d spent his life coming third.
SFX
Background: Outdoors birdsong etc. Occasional distant military shouting and
running feet.
GUARD Hey,
either of you guys seen a man around here? Lying around ankle-high, kinda' dead
looking?
MONDAY Sounds
like the guy we’re looking for too. My name’s Monday, this is my partner Cleo.
We’re private investigators and we’ve been hired to find the body of Jesus of
Nazareth.
GUARD Pilate
didn’t hire you did he? Oh we’re dead I may as well just fall on my sword.
Unless you’ve seen any lions around looking hungry.
MONDAY We’re
not here with the Roman governor.
GUARD (Relieved) Maybe he doesn’t know yet.
Maybe there’s still time! (To another
soldier) Hey you, try that big urn over there!
GUARD 3 (FX Guard 3 always at a distance) Hey
Ern, have you seen a dead guy?
GUARD 2 He meant the large stone jug!
SFX Smash, coughing
GUARD
3 Nothing here but ashes.
GUARD
2 Keep looking!
MONDAY Hey
buddy, how about telling us what happened.
GUARD There’s
nothing to tell. One minute the body’s there, the next minute someone’s stolen
it!
CLEOPAS So
you were sleeping on duty?
GUARD Sleeping!
I wasn’t sleeping! Nobody saw me sleeping! You can’t prove I was asleep! It was
only a moment! Just checking my eyelids for light leaks! May be two moments but
that’s not a crucifixion offence, well OK yes it is a crucifixion offence but
I’m not admitting anything. Oh Jupiter! Do you know what Pilate would do to us
if we were ever caught sleeping? Do you know what he’s going to do to us now!
MONDAY Hey
take it easy! Calm down and just tell us exactly what happened.
GUARD Yeah
but like Me and Stan wuz keeping watch over this tomb, right. And I’m all like what, guarding, and Stan’s
like yeah guarding and I’m like no but and he’s like yeah you know Sargent says
so and I say that’s like not fair and
Stan says whatever but then this giant man shows up wiv a dazzling white robe!
And I’m like “nice threads” and Stan’s like “ARRGH” and then I’m like “ARRGH”
and we’re like “ARGGH” and then this guy is about ten feet tall, with a
radiant, glowing face. (pause) Then
everything went black.
CLEOPAS Did
he hit you?
GUARD No.
Everything just... went black.
CLEOPAS Did
somebody else hit you?
GUARD No,
nobody hit me! This guy shows up, scares the pants of me, and I fainted. OK?
You happy now?
CLEOPAS
Sissy.
MONDAY
Let's keep this professional, Cleo.
CLEOPAS
You know I hate being called that.
MONDAY (Ignoring him) OK so you sissy out and faint. What
about your friend?
GUARD 2 Same with me. On guard. Big guy comes. No
corpse. Incipient feeling of mortality.
MONDAY I was with you up to corpse.
CLEOPAS I was with you up to “Same.”
GUARD 2 We
were all out cold. When we come around, a huge boulder had been rolled away
from the tomb, the tomb was empty except for a bunch of bandages, and corporal here has some heavy duty
explaining to do.
GUARD We’re all doomed.
GUARD 2 I meant you have to explain it to the
governor sir. I already know that, in our case, fate is liable to be
unequivocally malevolent.
MONDAY Hmm.
That’s a pretty big stone.
GUARD This
was a pretty big guy!
MONDAY You
say you were stationed in front of this tomb to guard it, why? And by who?
GUARD
2 By whom.
MONDAY What?
GUARD
2 Not what, whom.
MONDAY What?
GUARD
2 By whom were we assigned to guard this
tomb.
MONDAY OK, And by whom?
GUARD The
Governor.
CLEOPAS Pilate.
GUARD 2 Though it appeared someone else
might have put him up to it. I would not care to speculate as to whom though.
MONDAY Did
he say why he needed you to guard the tomb?
GUARD He
heard that some people might come and steal the body, so he stationed us here
to guard it.
CLEOPAS Sounded
like a good plan. After all who could mess up guarding a dead body?
MONDAY A-hem.
Hey you guys what do you make of this?
CLEOPAS Looks
like visitor’s book.
GUARD You
guys can't touch that, that's like you know, evidence.
MONDAY He's
right, this should go straight to Pilate.
GUARD 2 Maybe it would be advantageous
if you hold onto it.
GUARD Here
take these too.
CLEOPAS What
do I want with a bunch of bandages?
GUARD
3 I think I found something.
GUARD Yes?
Yes! What is it!?
GUARD 3 A
fifty-imperial coin. I found it inside this sarcophagus - the undertaker must
have lent over and...
GUARD (FX voice faded out) Will you get back
to work! Do I have to remind you what will happen if the Governor hears about
this…
MONDAY There’s an entry this morning from a
J.C.
CLEOPAS Oh
yeah I’ll bet. Did he leave a tip?
MONDAY "I
am the way, the truth and the life."
3)
Bar made in Heaven
MONDAY (V.O.) The
soldiers didn’t give us much to go on. Our next logical step was to find the
guy they’d described. The “Trip from
Jerusalem” inn was the sort of seedy joint that any reputable investigator
would run a mile from. Naturally it suited us just fine.
The
inn also had nothing to do with the case, but if we went in and asked for information
we could probably claim the drinks on expenses.
The
barmaid was a cheerful character who served doubles and flirted with singles.
SFX Background: Pub
atmosphere
MONDAY Two
shots of whatever you have.
BARMAID Coming
right up lovey.
MONDAY (V.O.) I
guess this was the famous Norfolk broad they kept telling me about. Though I’d have described her as more of a
narrow.
BARMAID So what are a nice pair like you doing
here.
MONDAY I might ask what a nice pair like
yours...
CLEOPAS (Cuts off)We’re looking for a guy, big
guy, about 10 feet tall, dazzling white robe, glowing face. You seen anyone
like that?
BARMAID I
dunno, we get a lot of people through here and I only work 9-5.
CLEOPAS Oh
well Monday we tried. Lets get drinking.
MONDAY We have to try a bit harder than that.
CLEOPAS And they wonder why I don’t like
Mondays...
MONDAY You
must have seen or heard something.
BARMAID No,
nothing. You might try the temple though. Most of the people wearing fancy
white robes hang out there.
CLEOPAS Now can we have a drink?
MONDAY All-right.
SFX
shots being downed.
MONDAY Hey
while we’re here, how about a couple of tankards of wine.
BARMAID Aren’t
you on duty.
MONDAY I'm
a private detectives, not a centurion.
BARMAID Private-eye? You mean I’ve been wasting my charms talking
to a gutter-bred gumshoe and I didn’t even have to!
MONDAY(V.O.) You get no respect when you’re a private
investigator. I could live with that; but you get very little money either.
BARMAID Anyway
I can’t give you a drink, we’re out. Local vineyard’s recalled my whole supply.
Seems some of their wine treaders had foot fungus. Contaminated the whole
shipment.
MONDAY Oh
that’s just great!
BARMAID Hey
I can’t turn water into wine you know. Who do you think I am, Jesus of
Nazareth?
CLEOPAS What
did you say?
BARMAID Foot
fungus.
CLEOPAS No,
about Jesus of Nazareth.
BARMAID You
didn't hear? He was the guy who went around doing all these magic tricks. I was
bar-tending at a wedding a while back, when we ran out of wine. So Jesus, he
was at the wedding right, told me to fill six big jars with water and then draw
some water out and take it to the host. But when I drew the water, it was wine
- and not the cheap stuff either. Had the
manager worried – thought we’d be out of business if word of him got around.
MONDAY Impossible!
Who was this guy? Can I get him to do some catering?
BARMAID A lot of people say he was a prophet sent from God. The
other time I met him was at a big picnic on the lake. Never seen so many fish
sandwiches in my life. Good turnout too, there must have been at least 5,000
men there, plus women and kids.
MONDAY
What kind of people? Religious types?
BARMAID A few of those, but mostly fishermen, women, children, tax
collectors, thieves, thugs, prostitutes and even the real scum of the earth
like private investigators.
MONDAY But I thought he was a religious guy.
Religious guys and priests never hang around with prostitutes.
CLEOPAS (inaudible whisper)
MONDAY OK
almost nev…
CLEOPAS (another inaudible whisper)
MONDAY Well
yeah… not often
BARMAID From what I hear he didn't care too much for the religious
heavies. Called them, well a lot of things actually. Said he liked people who
did things for God and not for show. If you ask me that's why they killed him.
MONDAY Thanks
for the info doll. Listen you sure you don’t have drink somewhere.
BARMAID Best
I could give you is vinegar in a sponge. We clean the bar with it. Or serve it
to our French customers.
MONDAY I’ll
pass. I don’t suppose you’re free after your shift.
BARMAID Well
normally sir I say no… but since it’s you asking. No! Never!
CLEOPAS I
don't suppose you know anyone who might be connected in some way with this
Jesus?
BARMAID Well
there is Mary.
MONDAY Who's
Mary?
BARMAID Just
an old (pause) acquaintance. Jesus
had a pretty big effect on her.
CLEOPAS What's
her address?
BARMAID Check
out the men’s room.
SFX
footsteps – low tinkling.
CLEOPAS “For a good time see Mary of Magda Lane
east Jerusalem.”
MONDAY Cleo!
CLEOPAS What?
MONDAY MENS
ROOM!
CLEOPAS (deeper voice) “For a good time see Mary of Magda Lane east Jerusalem.” Why would a religious man be seen with
a woman like this?
MONDAY I
don't know, but this is on our way to the temple. Let's stop by and check it
out.
4) Heyup Mary Fair of Face
MONDAY(V.O.) We
headed in the direction of the temple but stopped a few blocks beforehand at
the address we had found at the Tavern. It was a rough neighbourhood but the
house in question seemed well kept.
Cleo
and I walked up to the house and knocked on the door. As the door opened the
smell of rare perfume wafted out and we were greeted by a modest-looking woman
who invited us to come in. You would have to be a private investigator to
understand our surprise at this. It had never before happened in my entire
professional career. Even my own mother
kept the door locked and just threw things when we came to call.
SFX Background: Ticking
clock, sounds of tea being poured, stirred and served.
MONDAY Well
ma’am, I hope you don't take offence but we're looking for a woman who used to
live here.
MARY I've
lived here most of me life.
MONDAY Well
then you must know her. It was someone who used to live with you - not that I'm
suggesting that such a person would live with you… Oh I can’t do this to a nice
lady who’s given us tea and biscuits, Cleo you ask her.
CLEOPAS We
want to know if you’re a pro...
MONDAY ...fessional
cleaning lady. (hisses) Cleo! You can’t just accuse a respectable Jewish
woman of being a, a lady of the night.
CLEOPAS (hisses)And the day and most of the evening by
reputation. I thought you wanted me to do this?
MONDAY (hisses)Just be a little more subtle.
CLEOPAS (hisses)No problem. (Normal)How
much do you charge love?
MARY Oh
I haven’t done that since I met Jesus of Nazareth?
MONDAY You’re
Mary?
MARY Yeah
I’m Mary, what do you want to know?
CLEOPAS As
in the men’s room at the Inn?
MARY That's
right. But you should know that a lot’s happened since that was written and
it's all because of Jesus. But what do you want?
MONDAY Just
the facts ma’am. Just the facts.
CLEOPAS I
get to say that next time OK?
MONDAY OK.
MARY I
remember it as clear as if it was yesterday.
I was walking home. I was a bit nervous, you know how dangerous the
streets are these days. Is there nothing
to keep us safe except the Pax Romana?
MONDAY No.
Just the Pax ma’am. Just the Pax.
MARY Anyway
I was walking along and a guy asked me if I wanted to engage in an act of
sin. Of course my immediate reaction was
to say yes, but then a mob of the religious types came by. They were fixing to
stone me for it. But instead of doing it on the spot, the mob dragged me
through the streets and into the synagogue and through me down in front of this
young teacher.
CLEOPAS (hisses) That would be Jesus.
MONDAY (hisses) Well duhh.
MARY I
don't know why they brought me there, and I don't know why him, but they went
straight to him and said "The law demands this woman should die, what do
you say about it?" I should have died - but then it happened.
CLEOPAS What?
MARY He
stuck up for me! He said that since they wanted to kill me for sin, one of them
that was without sin should throw the first stone.
CLEOPAS So
what happened?
MARY They
left. The place was completely deserted except for me and Jesus.
CLEOPAS
Wow.
MARY Then
he says to me, "Isn't there anyone left to condemn you?"
"No-one", says I. Then he just smiled and said, "Then I don’t
condemn you either. Now go, and stop sinning."
A
harlot and a priest. You never saw nothing like it.
MONDAY What'd
you do?
MARY I
went home, stopped sinning and I followed him. And sent electronic messages to
all my friends to tell them. Do you want to see the emails.
MONDAY Just
the fax ma’am. Just the fax.
SFX
paper rustles.
MONDAY
Thank you you’ve been very helpful.
CLEOPAS Just
the facts ma’am.
MONDAY No
you've got to say that at the beginning.
CLEOPAS Says
who?
MONDAY Everybody.
CLEOPAS (Muttering) I'll say it when I want.
5)
Priests to meet you.
MONDAY(V.O.) Cleo
and I left Mary's house shortly after and walked to the temple. No sooner had
we entered, than we were pushed out of the way by a guy in fancy robes. He was
hurrying into a room with something tucked under his arm. We were about to
follow him when we heard a voice behind us.
PRIEST Hey
you’re not allowed in there.
MONDAY(V.O.) This
guy had “Priest” written all over him. Although now I looked closer it was
actually Bible references written all over him.
Scribbled on parchment and sewn into his robe. Just in case people couldn’t figure out what
he was I suppose. Though I would have thought the robe and temple would have
been enough of a hint for most people. Not to mention the slightly smug
expression that seemed stuck between holiness and constipation.
SFX Background: Barely audible religious chanting and
occasional bursts of sewing machine.
Chants: “Why do all religions use
Gregorian chanting?” “All the monks in this place... Amen” “They may not look it but Orlando Bloom
and the guy who plays Frodo... Amen”. “When they found that girl in the
priest’s room we asked... Hosanna (Who’s Anna)”
“In which of his rooms was that... In the highest.”
CLEOPAS Why
not, that guy is going in?
PRIEST That’s
the high priest, he’s the only one allowed in that part of the temple.
CLEOPAS It
looks like he's taking in a sewing machine?
PRIEST It’s
a... theological problem. Anyone else
who claims there’s a tear in the curtain separating the Holiest place of G_d
and the rest of the temple will be stoned with the rest of them. Now what can I
do for you gentlemen?
MONDAY We’d
like to ask you a few questions about a man called Jesus of Nazareth.
PRIEST Not another one. Look if the curtain
tore, which I’m not saying it did, then it’s just something supernatural and
not a sign that this Jesus was really the Son of G_d and has torn the curtain
that separates man and G_d. Or it could
be moths. Now I think of it the tear that isn’t there must be to do with the
moths that also aren’t there. In fact even the sewing machine was a figment of
your imaginations.
SFX sewing machine very
prominent at this point.
PRIEST (pause) You’re not with the media are you?
MONDAY Why?
Do you have anything to cover up? I’m Monday and this is Cleo my partner.
I
mean my fellow private investigator and we’re here to get the facts.
PRIEST Ah
well you’ve come to the right people. Now what you have to realise is this guy
Jesus was a danger to the community.
MONDAY What
did he do?
PRIEST Healed
the sick, cast out demons, cured the crippled on Sundays, preached love, peace and compassion. (pause) Well we can’t have that sort of
thing. It gives religion a bad name. But
the minute we brought it up, he starts criticising us! G_d knows we tried to be
reasonable – we were offering a flogging as a first offence but no. Floggings
not good enough for some people.
CLEOPAS What’s
with the G_d stuff.
PRIEST Can’t
say the name of G_d might take it in vain.
CLEOPAS Oh
that’s alright then. I thought you had hiccups.
MONDAY So
getting back to this peace loving miracle worker, you didn’t like him because
he was healing people and telling them to love their enemies?
PRIEST Well
obviously that makes him a sinner, and unpatriotic to boot. Oh and get this. He
started a rumour that he was going to tear down our temple and rebuild it new!
CLEOPAS How
long did he quote to do that?
PRIEST Three
days.
CLEOPAS Three
days! You’re kidding? The guy who came
in to put a new sink in the office has been at it for two weeks already.
PRIEST Yeah,
well his old man was a carpenter. Come to think of it he mentioned something
else. He kept saying that the “Son of Man” must endure many things, die and
three days later, rise.
CLEOPAS What
does that mean?
PRIEST Beats
me. Ravings of a lunatic. Anyway he's dead now.
MONDAY When
did all this happen?
PRIEST
Three days ago. Why do you ask?
MONDAY
Because his tomb was found empty this
morning.
PRIEST He’s
dead. He is no more. He has ceased to be. He is bereft of life. He has shuffled
off this mortal coil and gone to join the choir invisible. He is an ex-prophet! You hear me? Dead! We
killed him! Hem. An unfortunate series
of events killed him and anyone who says otherwise is a liar!
SFX
retreating footsteps and defiant last burst of sewing machine.
CLEOPAS Why
wouldn’t he be dead?
MONDAY That’s
what we're going to find out.
6)
Pile Lots More Trouble On.
MONDAY(V.O.) There
was something not kosher about the Rabbi's story. Which was pretty serious when
you think about it. We needed to speak to the Roman Governor who conducted the
trial of Jesus, to get the other side of the story. As a centurion led us into
the chambers of the court, we saw Pilate coming back after another set of court
cases. Probably the latest scandal of a
dog that had massacred a local shepherd’s flock. The world famous sheepdog
trials.
PILATE Just
let me wash my hands, I’ll be with you in a second.
SFX
hand washing
PILATE Now,
what is it gentlemen?
MONDAY Sir
we'd like to ask you a few questions about the trial of this Jesus of Nazareth.
PILATE Very
well.
MONDAY What
was his defence to the allegations of the Chief Priests?
PILATE Defence?
He didn’t say a word. Just stood there silent. Have the two of you ever
considered following his example?
CLEOPAS No
defence? Was he in denial?
PILATE Baptised
in de Jordan apparently.
MONDAY What
was he found guilty of?
PILATE Annoying
important people.
Several
other people close by could find out how dangerous this is very shortly.
(sigh)The priests didn’t bring a charge against him that I found
to be true.
MONDAY Then
why did you sentence him to crucifixion …sir.
PILATE Because
everyone seemed to want him dead. Those Pharisees stirred up a real riot you
know.
MONDAY Sir,
if I remember correctly, isn't it your custom at the pass-over feast to set a condemned
man free? How come this Jesus didn’t get off?
PILATE I
tried to free him but the people wouldn't hear of it. They asked me to free
Barabus instead.
CLEOPAS Baracus,
what was he in for?
PILATE He
was in for a crucifixion like everyone else here.
MONDAY The
charge?
PILATE Five
denariius to cover nails and timber. (pause) Oh
sorry, escaping from a maximum security prison.
SFX Bom Bom Bommm
PILATE There
goes the doorbell again. Look speak with the Priests if you have a problem with
his death.
MONDAY Well
sir it’s not his death we’re interested in so much as the body.
PILATE Oh
I see, you want to embalm the body, or some quaint provincial custom like that.
No I’m sorry but there’s a guard of highly trained Roman soldiers outside that
tomb preventing anyone from going in, and the tomb has my own seal on it. No
one goes in, no one gets out, no exceptions, good-bye.
MONDAY But
the body has g...(hem)
PILATE What?!!
Spit it out man!
MONDAY Umm....
Nothing.
CLEOPAS The
body’s gone missing! Someone knocked out all your soldiers, rolled the bolder
away from the tomb - breaking your seal, went into the tomb, stole the body and
now no-one can find it! What a mess! I shouldn’t be surprised if Caesar hears
about this one. (pause) What?
MONDAY Ix-nay
on the ess-may.
PILATE I
do speak Latin you know. Centurion!
CENTURION Yes
my Lord.
PILATE Send
a man to bring me those soldiers whom I stationed outside the tomb of Jesus of
Nazareth. I’d like to have a little talk with them.
CENTURION Jesus of Nazar...? Sir! Corporal
you heard the man move it!
SFX
rapidly moving footsteps.
PILATE Now
why don’t you gentlemen tell me everything you know about this “stolen” body.
MONDAY Well
you see sir, after the body was “stolen”, no-one seems to have seen or heard
anything about it. The religious leaders are acting weird. Let me rephrase
that, even by their standards the religious leaders are acting weirdly and to
tell the truth our current theory involves angels and people being raised from
the dead.
PILATE I’m
not interested in the truth, I want a rational explanation. Now get out there
and find that body and when you do report back to me!
M
& C Yes sir!
PILATE As
for these soldiers I believe the lions are getting hungry.
Centurion!
Show these two out!
SFX footsteps
CENTURION You're
the two detectives investigating the missing body of Jesus of Nazareth right?
MONDAY(V.O.) The
Centurion looked like someone had not only walked over his grave but set up an
army camp for an entire legion to trample his tomb.
MONDAY Well
yes. Do you know something about it?
CENTURION I
was the commanding officer present at Jesus crucifixion.
MONDAY Then
I suppose you didn't approve of him.
CENTURION On
the contrary, I was just following orders. I had nothing myself against the
man, who’s blood is on my hands, all over my hands. And I spent so long scrubbing. Why aren’t
they clean?
MONDAY Well
then there's no need to feel guilty …
CENTURION Shut-up
and listen! I tell you this was no ordinary man.
MONDAY What
do you mean?
CENTURION After
we had put him on the cross and all the Jews had come out to mock him, it was
then that the great darkness came over the land.
CLEOPAS Does
that a lot, once a night usually.
CENTURION The
sky went black at midday! For 3 hours! How did you not notice?
MONDAY We
ah … don’t have any windows in our office.
CENTURION And
at three Jesus shouted in a loud voice, "My God, why have you forsaken
me?" Then he died. I suppose you didn’t feel the earthquake either. Or see the tombs crack open. Or see the dead
walk.
MONDAY Erm now you mention it...
CENTURION Some
investigators you turned out to be. I
may only be a Roman but even I knew this man was surely the Son of God.
CLEOPAS And
now the body's missing.
CENTURION I
hope you know what you've got yourselves into.
8)
‘E may as well tell us
MONDAY On
that sobering note we continued our investigation. We interviewed court
officials, soldiers, fishermen, and tax collectors, lepers, temple guards,
lawyers and Pharisees. Each one had a different story to tell about Jesus. But
instead of every person revealing another piece of the jigsaw puzzle, it was
like each person opened up a whole new puzzle and tipped their pieces on the
pile. Then kicked it.
Everything
we found was the exact opposite of what made sense: Jesus loved God, so the
religious leaders hated him; he was wiser than all the wise men, so they mocked
him; he healed people's injuries, they had him whipped; he told them about
life, they plotted out his death - it was all very ironic. Unfortunately the
rent was due and the only irony appreciated by our landlord was the circular
sort with Caesar’s head on it.
There
was only one thing I was sure of in this whole investigation: this should have
been a murder case, and instead we'd been hired to look for a missing
body. With no other leads and our
landlord threatening to employ irony in the heavy metal bar form we headed to a
town called Emmaus, Cleo and I …
CLEOPAS(V.O.) Cleopas. Cle-o-pas.
MONDAY(V.O.) You
can’t hear this bit! It’s internal dialogue.
CLEOPAS(V.O.) Sorry
Monday.
MONDAY(V.O.) Cleopas and I decided to check out a
sighting there since we'd had no luck in Jerusalem. And the bars here knew us
too well to run a tab. As we walked along the road to Emmaus, we went back over
the case.
MONDAY Alright
let's start from the beginning. What have we got?
CLEOPAS
Nothing.
Not a penny. Just the shirts on
our backs.
MONDAY No
I mean what are the facts?
CLEOPAS Oh.
Facts, facts … OK Monday there was a dead corpse in a tomb last Friday.
MONDAY Which was it.
CLEOPAS It was Friday Monday.
MONDAY OK let’s just call it last week.
CLEOPAS OK,
sealed in by a boulder on the Governor's orders and guarded by Roman soldiers.
MONDAY Pretty
strange to be guarding a body. Why were they doing that?
CLEOPAS Because
people didn't want it stolen.
MONDAY What
people?
CLEOPAS The
Roman Governor.
MONDAY Why
was he worried about a body getting stolen?
CLEOPAS He's
wasn't, when we talked to him he didn't seem interested at all.
MONDAY So someone must have put him up to
it.
CLEOPAS The
Priests.
MONDAY Right.
The religious heavies wanted Jesus out of the picture because he was muscling
in on their territory.
CLEOPAS So
they start the dirty tricks and legal problems to see if he'll slip up and give
them a reason to charge him. But instead
he outsmarts them every time.
MONDAY So
they arrest him, drag him to court and bring false charges against him. But
when the governor looks into it he finds that according to all records this guy
never broke a single law in his entire life! So why was he convicted and
sentenced to death by crucifixion?
CLEOPAS The
priests and Pharisees had stirred up the crowd and Pilate thought it was easier
to have Jesus killed than have a riot on his hands. Hey we're getting somewhere
here.
MONDAY No
we're not. Right up until there it's a perfect plot, the religious leaders have
tricked Jesus and now he has to defend himself before the Regional Governor on
a death sentence. What's our problem?
CLEOPAS He
doesn't give a defence.
MONDAY Greatest
legal mind of the generation - so why didn't he defend himself? He got a guilty
harlot off on a technicality.
CLEOPAS And
even if Pilate wouldn't do the right thing, why not use those miraculous powers
of his to save himself?
MONDAY Hmmm.
So they crucified him, the sky turned black, there was an earthquake - and who
knows what else - Jesus dies, is taken down from the cross and buried in a
tomb.
CLEOPAS And
at that time the priests worry that Jesus predicted that he would suffer, die
and then raise himself back to life in three days. The last thing they wanted
was one of his followers stealing the body and claiming he had risen from the
dead. So the Governor, wanting to get them out of his hair, says "OK take
a guard of soldiers and make the tomb as secure as you can".
MONDAY A-huh.
CLEOPAS They
roll a stone in front of the tomb, seal it with the Governor's ring, and post
the soldiers outside.
MONDAY Problem:
the body goes missing, presumably stolen by a ten foot man with a radiant,
glowing face. Who let’s face it should stand out a bit in a crowd.
CLEOPAS But
who no-one's seen-nor heard of since.
MONDAY And
we're back to where we started.
JESUS What
are you guys talking about?
MONDAY(V.O.) We
hadn’t even heard the guy walk up behind us. He was a strange sort, with an odd
smile that suggested that he had thought about life long enough to see the joke
and something made your eyes hurt to look at him. Though with my hangover that wasn’t all that
unusual.
CLEOPAS Are
you a tourist? We’re talking about Jesus – just like everyone else.
MONDAY You
know - the prophet - powerful in word and in deed. The one the priests had
crucified.
CLEOPAS People
had hoped he was the one who would save Israel.
MONDAY What's
more now his body has gone missing. We've heard about giant people knocking out
soldiers, boulders moving, conspiracy, corrupt officials, and we haven't got a
clue what's going on.
JESUS How
is it you are slow of heart to believe everything that the prophets have spoken
about this very man. Isn't it written that the Christ would have to suffer
these very things to save God's people?
It
has happened just like Isaiah prophesied: He was despised and rejected by men.
He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he didn't speak in his defence. By
oppressive judgement he was cut off from the land of the living and assigned a
grave with the wicked, though he had done nothing wrong. The punishment that
brings us peace was on him, and by his wounds we wicked are healed. Therefore
God will prolong his days, and after the suffering of his soul he will see the
light of life.
MONDAY(V.O.) While
Cleopas and I listened, the man on the road explained to us everything that was
in the scriptures concerning Jesus (who he called "Christ"), starting
right back with Moses and working through all the prophets. We listened in
amazement and by the time he had finished it was dark and we were at Emmaus, so
we persuaded him to come and eat with us.
MONDAY OK,
you two stay here while I go and get Thomas. I may need you to explain to him
as well. Who knows, maybe he'll give us partial credit on the job?
JESUS I've
already explained the situation to Thomas. Thank you Father of heaven and earth
for this meal.
(pause)
MONDAY Hey
where did he go? (pause) You don’t
think that really was Jesus?
CLEOPAS Weren't
our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and explained
the scriptures to us?
MONDAY You
know what this means?
CLEOPAS There
is a God who loves us and has sent his Son to make a way for us to live
eternally in paradise with him?
MONDAY Oh
way more important than that! For once
in our lives we're going to get paid!
M
& C To Jerusalem!
SFX
footsteps running.
9) Thomas! Did You Miss Us?
MONDAY(V.O.) So
with hearts pounding and minds spinning, Cleopas and I sprinted all the way
back to Jerusalem stopping at only 3 bars, two taverns and an inn on the way.
Once inside the city walls we ran straight, well more in a sort of weaving
fashion, to the house of Thomas, called Didymus. Him I mean not the house. Not stopping to knock, we bowled in to tell
him the good news!
SFX
door slamming back on hinges
MONDAY
Where is he? Thomas!
CLEOPAS Thomas!
Did y’miss us?
THOMAS What
do you want?
M
& C We saw him!
THOMAS Who?
M
& C Jesus!
CLEOPAS He's
alive! There is no dead corpse!
MONDAY He's
risen from the dead, just like he said he would!
CLEOPAS You
have to believe us!
THOMAS I
believe you.
MONDAY He's
risen!
THOMAS I
know!
CLEOPAS
We saw him!
THOMAS
So did I!
MONDAY Halleluia!
THOMAS Halleluia!
MONDAY This
is great!
THOMAS I
can't pay you.
M
& C What!
THOMAS I
can't pay you, three women claimed the reward earlier this morning. I didn't
believe them at first but when he appeared to me, well I paid them off not
twenty minutes ago.
MONDAY
But …. But don't we get partial credit?
THOMAS
Sorry guys, I'm all cleaned out.
MONDAY It's
just not fair!
CLEOPAS There, there.
SFX Bom Ba Dum Bom
MONDAY(V.O.)
And with that, the mystery of disappearing body of Jesus of
Nazareth was solved.
Jesus
appeared to over five hundred people before he ascended into heaven, all of
whom filed a class action lawsuit against Thomas, called Didymus, for their cut
of of the reward money. Thomas subsequently declared bankrupt and became a
travelling preacher, moving from place to place, telling everyone he met about
the good news of Jesus Christ's resurrection.
As
for me? I decided mother had been right and gave up the private-eye business to
pursue a short-lived acting career. These days I’m helping Thomas in his
travelling ministry. I’m still waiting to get paid.
Cleopas,
on the other hand, remained a detective-for-hire for three more years and encountered another missing person’s case
about a man called Peter who disappeared from a prison - but that's another
story.
SFX
Bom Ba Dum Bom
The
Case of the Missing Corpse. Case closed.
SFX
End theme