The Case of the Missing Corpse

© N Pattern &

J M A 2000-2010

Summary

Two private detectives investigate the mystery surrounding the disappearance of a dead body. Some guy named Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth.

Cast

MONDAY                  _____________   

CLEOPAS                  _____________

THOMAS                   _____________

GUARD 1                   _____________

GUARD 2                  _____________

GUARD 3                  _____________

BARMAID                 _____________

MARY                                   _____________

PRIEST                      _____________

PILATE                      _____________

CENTURION            _____________

JESUS                        _____________


Scenes

1) Monday’s off ‘is head.

2) A Grave Situation.

3) A Bar Made in Heaven

4) Heyup Mary Fair of Face

5) Priests to Meet You

6) Pile Lots More Trouble On

7) ‘E May As Well Tell Us

8) Thomas! Did You Miss Us?


 

 1) Monday’s Off ‘is head

Monday (V.O.)      Jerusalem, Judea, AD33. The Jewish Passover festival had just finished everything seemed normal. A suicide, a few crucifixions, triumphant processions and a fight in the temple. Life as usual - which is why it was so surprising when something weird happened.

My name’s Monday. Maxwell Monday Junior. I’m a private investigator.

SFX intro

Monday (V.O.)      The day in question started like any other day. I was sitting at my desk in my office. Like all good offices it was in down-town Jerusalem. Unlike the good offices it was also down an alley-way, down a flight of stairs, down a corridor, third door on your left and mind the rats.  I was reading the newspaper.

Monday                   Hey Cleo what’s a seven letter word beginning with "M" that stands for the anointed King of God?

Monday (V.O.)      Cleo would have been the perfect secretary if she’d been blond, taller, slimmer, better looking, punctual, efficient or possessing any skills whatsoever.  Still with the peanuts I was paying even monkeys turned me down.

CLEOPAS                Don't call me Cleo. Where do you get these stupid questions from?

MONDAY (V.O.)   Things were proceeding as usual: slowly, tediously and with seemingly no connection to any form of income. Then suddenly, there came a knock at the door.

SFX doorbell

MONDAY (V.O.)   Even then I knew it was going to be a long day.

CLEOPAS                Thomas, called Didymus, to see you Max.

MONDAY                Send him in, secretary. And bring us some coffee.

CLEOPAS                Yes sir.

SFX entering room and pulling up a chair.

THOMAS                 That's the ugliest secretary I've ever seen.

MONDAY(V.O.)    Thomas seemed a respectable sort, smart and possibly even reliable enough to pay us.  Maybe not to quick on the uptake though and he had a sceptical air which didn’t bode well for my expenses claim.

MONDAY                Good morning, can I call you Didymus?

THOMAS                 No. Just call me Thomas … Did you miss the message?

MONDAY                What message?

THOMAS                 I had my doubts about you getting it. 

MONDAY                Look what can I do for you?

THOMAS                 I wanted to hire the best private detective in Jerusalem.

MONDAY                So you came to me.

THOMAS                 No, I went to the best private detective in Jerusalem. He was busy, then I went to the second best private detective in Jerusalem he was... well to cut a very long story short I came to you.

MONDAY                How about you sit down and tell me your problem.

THOMAS                 A friend of mine, named Joseph of Arimathea, has had a situation with a tomb over the weekend.

MONDAY                So he's an undertaker?

THOMAS                 Actually, he's a member of the council, he just runs a little funeral service on the side - which brings me to the problem: grave robbers.

MONDAY                Oh I hate them, one broke into the cemetery last week and walked off with a tombstone.

(pause FX wind blowing)

MONDAY                Sorry, my little joke. I assume you mean the kind that break into tombs and steal the treasure buried with dead people.

THOMAS                 Exactly, only these guys, whoever they were, weren’t interested in treasure. They took ... the body.

SFX Bom Bom Bommm

MONDAY                That’s different.

THOMAS                 Well there's always been something different about the man who was buried there.

MONDAY                King Tut?

THOMAS                 No. A man named Jesus. Jesus of Nazareth.

SFX Bom Bom Bommm

THOMAS                 What is that?

MONDAY                I think the doorbell’s gone haywire again. Jesus, Jesus … yeah I came across that name in the obituaries.

SFX random boms until doorbell dies painful death.

THOMAS                 You can read?

MONDAY                For your information I always enjoy the political section.

THOMAS                 It looks like you’re reading Charlie Brown.

MONDAY                Charlie Brown can be very political - anyway this guy was crucified right?

THOMAS                 Right, on Friday.

MONDAY                Friday? That means we don't have much time to find the body and i.d. it before, P-ew!

THOMAS                 So you better get cracking.

MONDAY                Hey when do we get paid for this?

THOMAS                 Payment by results. You get the money when I get the body.  Until I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it

MONDAY                Urgh!

THOMAS                 I have gloves.

MONDAY                What do you care about this body? Who was he to you anyway?

THOMAS                 Let's just say I care and leave it at that.

SFX chair being pulled out.

THOMAS                 You might like to start by questioning some of the soldiers who were on guard outside the tomb.

MONDAY                A Roman guard was outside the tomb and it still got robbed?

THOMAS                 Talk to them not to me.

SFX man exits and door closing.

CLEOPAS                Coffee’s up. Oh for crying out loud not again! Can’t you keep a client long enough to boil water?

MONDAY                Relax, we’ve got a client. And a job to do.


2) A Grave Situation.

MONDAY (V.O)    After our executive briefing, Cleo and I went straight to the scene of the crime: “Joe's Buy a Grave and SAVE funeral service”, who, according to their poster, put the “fun back into funeral”. I had to admit the prices were dead low – it must have been the sale of the cemetery.

We proceeded to the tomb with the vacancy sign lit up.  Here we found a number of Roman soldiers rushing madly about, bumping into each other and looking under rocks, in bushes, bins, trees, you name it.

They were running about like chickens with their heads cut off.  My guess: they’d be 'soldiers with their heads cut off' if they didn’t find whatever it was they were looking for. Being a top class private eye I also had a pretty good idea what that might be.

We headed towards the pair that looked like they were in charge.  Or at least looked most worried.   A corporal panicking about punishment and a second who looked like he’d spent his life coming third.

SFX Background: Outdoors birdsong etc. Occasional distant military shouting and running feet. 

GUARD                   Hey, either of you guys seen a man around here? Lying around ankle-high, kinda' dead looking?

MONDAY                Sounds like the guy we’re looking for too. My name’s Monday, this is my partner Cleo. We’re private investigators and we’ve been hired to find the body of Jesus of Nazareth.

GUARD                    Pilate didn’t hire you did he? Oh we’re dead I may as well just fall on my sword. Unless you’ve seen any lions around looking hungry.

MONDAY                We’re not here with the Roman governor.

GUARD                    (Relieved) Maybe he doesn’t know yet. Maybe there’s still time! (To another soldier) Hey you, try that big urn over there!

GUARD 3                 (FX Guard 3 always at a distance) Hey Ern, have you seen a dead guy?

GUARD 2                 He meant the large stone jug!

SFX Smash, coughing

GUARD 3                 Nothing here but ashes.

GUARD 2                 Keep looking!

MONDAY                Hey buddy, how about telling us what happened.

GUARD                    There’s nothing to tell. One minute the body’s there, the next minute someone’s stolen it!

CLEOPAS                So you were sleeping on duty?

GUARD                    Sleeping! I wasn’t sleeping! Nobody saw me sleeping! You can’t prove I was asleep! It was only a moment! Just checking my eyelids for light leaks! May be two moments but that’s not a crucifixion offence, well OK yes it is a crucifixion offence but I’m not admitting anything. Oh Jupiter! Do you know what Pilate would do to us if we were ever caught sleeping? Do you know what he’s going to do to us now!

MONDAY                Hey take it easy! Calm down and just tell us exactly what happened.

GUARD                    Yeah but like Me and Stan wuz keeping watch over this tomb, right.  And I’m all like what, guarding, and Stan’s like yeah guarding and I’m like no but and he’s like yeah you know Sargent says so  and I say that’s like not fair and Stan says whatever but then this giant man shows up wiv a dazzling white robe! And I’m like “nice threads” and Stan’s like “ARRGH” and then I’m like “ARRGH” and we’re like “ARGGH” and then this guy is about ten feet tall, with a radiant, glowing face. (pause) Then everything went black.

CLEOPAS                Did he hit you?

GUARD                    No. Everything just... went black.

CLEOPAS                Did somebody else hit you?

GUARD                    No, nobody hit me! This guy shows up, scares the pants of me, and I fainted. OK? You happy now?

CLEOPAS                Sissy.

MONDAY                Let's keep this professional, Cleo.

CLEOPAS                You know I hate being called that.

MONDAY                (Ignoring him) OK so you sissy out and faint. What about your friend?

GUARD 2                 Same with me. On guard. Big guy comes. No corpse. Incipient feeling of mortality.

MONDAY                I was with you up to corpse.

CLEOPAS                I was with you up to “Same.”

GUARD 2                 We were all out cold. When we come around, a huge boulder had been rolled away from the tomb, the tomb was empty except for a bunch of bandages, and corporal here has some heavy duty explaining to do.

GUARD                    We’re all doomed.

GUARD 2                 I meant you have to explain it to the governor sir. I already know that, in our case, fate is liable to be unequivocally malevolent.

MONDAY                Hmm. That’s a pretty big stone.

GUARD                    This was a pretty big guy!

MONDAY                You say you were stationed in front of this tomb to guard it, why? And by who?

GUARD 2                 By whom.

MONDAY                What?

GUARD 2                 Not what, whom.

MONDAY                What?

GUARD 2                 By whom were we assigned to guard this tomb.

MONDAY                OK, And by whom?

GUARD                    The Governor.

CLEOPAS                Pilate.

GUARD 2                 Though it appeared someone else might have put him up to it. I would not care to speculate as to whom though.

MONDAY                Did he say why he needed you to guard the tomb?

GUARD                    He heard that some people might come and steal the body, so he stationed us here to guard it.

CLEOPAS                Sounded like a good plan. After all who could mess up guarding a dead body?

 MONDAY               A-hem. Hey you guys what do you make of this?

CLEOPAS                Looks like visitor’s book.

GUARD                    You guys can't touch that, that's like you know, evidence.

MONDAY                He's right, this should go straight to Pilate.

GUARD 2                 Maybe it would be advantageous if you hold onto it.

GUARD                    Here take these too.

CLEOPAS                What do I want with a bunch of bandages?

GUARD 3                 I think I found something.

GUARD                    Yes? Yes! What is it!?

GUARD 3                 A fifty-imperial coin. I found it inside this sarcophagus - the undertaker must have lent over and...

GUARD                    (FX voice faded out) Will you get back to work! Do I have to remind you what will happen if the Governor hears about this…

MONDAY                There’s an entry this morning from a J.C.

CLEOPAS                Oh yeah I’ll bet. Did he leave a tip?

MONDAY                "I am the way, the truth and the life."

 

 


3) Bar made in Heaven

MONDAY (V.O.)   The soldiers didn’t give us much to go on. Our next logical step was to find the guy they’d described.  The “Trip from Jerusalem” inn was the sort of seedy joint that any reputable investigator would run a mile from. Naturally it suited us just fine. 

The inn also had nothing to do with the case, but if we went in and asked for information we could probably claim the drinks on expenses. 

                                    The barmaid was a cheerful character who served doubles and flirted with singles.

SFX Background: Pub atmosphere

MONDAY                Two shots of whatever you have.

BARMAID               Coming right up lovey.

MONDAY (V.O.)   I guess this was the famous Norfolk broad they kept telling me about.  Though I’d have described her as more of a narrow.

BARMAID               So what are a nice pair like you doing here.

MONDAY                I might ask what a nice pair like yours...

CLEOPAS                (Cuts off)We’re looking for a guy, big guy, about 10 feet tall, dazzling white robe, glowing face. You seen anyone like that?

BARMAID               I dunno, we get a lot of people through here and I only work 9-5.

CLEOPAS                Oh well Monday we tried. Lets get drinking.

MONDAY                We have to try a bit harder than that.

CLEOPAS                And they wonder why I don’t like Mondays...

MONDAY                You must have seen or heard something.

BARMAID               No, nothing. You might try the temple though. Most of the people wearing fancy white robes hang out there.

CLEOPAS                Now can we have a drink?

MONDAY                All-right.

SFX shots being downed.

MONDAY                Hey while we’re here, how about a couple of tankards of wine.

BARMAID               Aren’t you on duty.

MONDAY                I'm a private detectives, not a centurion.

BARMAID               Private-eye?  You mean I’ve been wasting my charms talking to a gutter-bred gumshoe and I didn’t even have to!

MONDAY(V.O.)    You get no respect when you’re a private investigator. I could live with that; but you get very little money either.

BARMAID               Anyway I can’t give you a drink, we’re out. Local vineyard’s recalled my whole supply. Seems some of their wine treaders had foot fungus. Contaminated the whole shipment.

MONDAY                Oh that’s just great!

BARMAID               Hey I can’t turn water into wine you know. Who do you think I am, Jesus of Nazareth?

CLEOPAS                What did you say?

BARMAID               Foot fungus.

CLEOPAS                No, about Jesus of Nazareth.

BARMAID               You didn't hear? He was the guy who went around doing all these magic tricks. I was bar-tending at a wedding a while back, when we ran out of wine. So Jesus, he was at the wedding right, told me to fill six big jars with water and then draw some water out and take it to the host. But when I drew the water, it was wine - and not the cheap stuff either.  Had the manager worried – thought we’d be out of business if word of him got around.

MONDAY                Impossible! Who was this guy? Can I get him to do some catering?           

BARMAID               A lot of people say he was a prophet sent from God. The other time I met him was at a big picnic on the lake. Never seen so many fish sandwiches in my life. Good turnout too, there must have been at least 5,000 men there, plus women and kids.

MONDAY                What kind of people? Religious types?

BARMAID               A few of those, but mostly fishermen, women, children, tax collectors, thieves, thugs, prostitutes and even the real scum of the earth like private investigators.

MONDAY                But I thought he was a religious guy. Religious guys and priests never hang around with prostitutes.

CLEOPAS                (inaudible whisper)

MONDAY                OK almost nev…

CLEOPAS                (another inaudible whisper)

MONDAY                Well yeah… not often

BARMAID               From what I hear he didn't care too much for the religious heavies. Called them, well a lot of things actually. Said he liked people who did things for God and not for show. If you ask me that's why they killed him.

MONDAY                Thanks for the info doll. Listen you sure you don’t have drink somewhere.

BARMAID               Best I could give you is vinegar in a sponge. We clean the bar with it. Or serve it to our French customers.

MONDAY                I’ll pass. I don’t suppose you’re free after your shift.

BARMAID               Well normally sir I say no… but since it’s you asking.                                                            No! Never!

CLEOPAS                I don't suppose you know anyone who might be connected in some way with this Jesus?

BARMAID               Well there is Mary.

MONDAY                Who's Mary?

BARMAID               Just an old (pause) acquaintance. Jesus had a pretty big effect on her.

CLEOPAS                What's her address?

BARMAID               Check out the men’s room.

SFX footsteps – low tinkling.

CLEOPAS                For a good time see Mary of Magda Lane east Jerusalem.”

MONDAY                Cleo!

CLEOPAS                What?

MONDAY                MENS ROOM!

CLEOPAS                (deeper voice) For a good time see Mary of Magda Lane east Jerusalem.” Why would a religious man be seen with a woman like this?

MONDAY                I don't know, but this is on our way to the temple. Let's stop by and check it out.


4) Heyup Mary Fair of Face

MONDAY(V.O.)    We headed in the direction of the temple but stopped a few blocks beforehand at the address we had found at the Tavern. It was a rough neighbourhood but the house in question seemed well kept.

Cleo and I walked up to the house and knocked on the door. As the door opened the smell of rare perfume wafted out and we were greeted by a modest-looking woman who invited us to come in. You would have to be a private investigator to understand our surprise at this. It had never before happened in my entire professional career.  Even my own mother kept the door locked and just threw things when we came to call.

SFX Background: Ticking clock, sounds of tea being poured, stirred and served.

MONDAY                Well ma’am, I hope you don't take offence but we're looking for a woman who used to live here.

MARY                       I've lived here most of me life.

MONDAY                Well then you must know her. It was someone who used to live with you - not that I'm suggesting that such a person would live with you… Oh I can’t do this to a nice lady who’s given us tea and biscuits, Cleo you ask her.

CLEOPAS                We want to know if you’re a pro...

MONDAY                ...fessional cleaning lady. (hisses) Cleo!  You can’t just accuse a respectable Jewish woman of being a, a lady of the night.

CLEOPAS                (hisses)And the day and most of the evening by reputation. I thought you wanted me to do this?

MONDAY                (hisses)Just be a little more subtle.

CLEOPAS                (hisses)No problem.  (Normal)How much do you charge love?

MARY                       Oh I haven’t done that since I met Jesus of Nazareth?

MONDAY                You’re Mary?

MARY                       Yeah I’m Mary, what do you want to know?

CLEOPAS                As in the men’s room at the Inn?

MARY                       That's right. But you should know that a lot’s happened since that was written and it's all because of Jesus. But what do you want?

MONDAY                Just the facts ma’am.  Just the facts.

CLEOPAS                I get to say that next time OK?

MONDAY                OK.

MARY                       I remember it as clear as if it was yesterday.  I was walking home. I was a bit nervous, you know how dangerous the streets are these days.  Is there nothing to keep us safe except the Pax Romana?

MONDAY                No. Just the Pax ma’am. Just the Pax.

MARY                       Anyway I was walking along and a guy asked me if I wanted to engage in an act of sin.  Of course my immediate reaction was to say yes, but then a mob of the religious types came by. They were fixing to stone me for it. But instead of doing it on the spot, the mob dragged me through the streets and into the synagogue and through me down in front of this young teacher.

CLEOPAS                (hisses) That would be Jesus.

MONDAY                (hisses) Well duhh.

MARY                       I don't know why they brought me there, and I don't know why him, but they went straight to him and said "The law demands this woman should die, what do you say about it?" I should have died - but then it happened.

CLEOPAS                What?

MARY                       He stuck up for me! He said that since they wanted to kill me for sin, one of them that was without sin should throw the first stone.

CLEOPAS                So what happened?

MARY                       They left. The place was completely deserted except for me and Jesus.

CLEOPAS                Wow.

MARY                       Then he says to me, "Isn't there anyone left to condemn you?" "No-one", says I. Then he just smiled and said, "Then I don’t condemn you either. Now go, and stop sinning."

A harlot and a priest. You never saw nothing like it.

MONDAY                What'd you do?

MARY                       I went home, stopped sinning and I followed him. And sent electronic messages to all my friends to tell them. Do you want to see the emails.

MONDAY                Just the fax ma’am.  Just the fax.

SFX paper rustles.

MONDAY                Thank you you’ve been very helpful.

CLEOPAS                Just the facts ma’am.

MONDAY                No you've got to say that at the beginning.

CLEOPAS                Says who?

MONDAY                Everybody.

CLEOPAS                (Muttering) I'll say it when I want.

 

 


5) Priests to meet you.

MONDAY(V.O.)    Cleo and I left Mary's house shortly after and walked to the temple. No sooner had we entered, than we were pushed out of the way by a guy in fancy robes. He was hurrying into a room with something tucked under his arm. We were about to follow him when we heard a voice behind us.

PRIEST                    Hey you’re not allowed in there.

MONDAY(V.O.)    This guy had “Priest” written all over him. Although now I looked closer it was actually Bible references written all over him.  Scribbled on parchment and sewn into his robe.  Just in case people couldn’t figure out what he was I suppose. Though I would have thought the robe and temple would have been enough of a hint for most people. Not to mention the slightly smug expression that seemed stuck between holiness and constipation.

SFX Background:    Barely audible religious chanting and occasional bursts of sewing machine.

Chants:                      “Why do all religions use Gregorian chanting?” “All the monks in this place...  Amen” “They may not look it but Orlando Bloom and the guy who plays Frodo... Amen”. “When they found that girl in the priest’s room we asked... Hosanna (Who’s Anna)”  “In which of his rooms was that... In the highest.”

CLEOPAS                Why not, that guy is going in?

PRIEST                    That’s the high priest, he’s the only one allowed in that part of the temple. 

CLEOPAS                It looks like he's taking in a sewing machine?

PRIEST                    It’s a... theological problem.  Anyone else who claims there’s a tear in the curtain separating the Holiest place of G_d and the rest of the temple will be stoned with the rest of them. Now what can I do for you gentlemen?

MONDAY                We’d like to ask you a few questions about a man called Jesus of Nazareth.

PRIEST                    Not another one. Look if the curtain tore, which I’m not saying it did, then it’s just something supernatural and not a sign that this Jesus was really the Son of G_d and has torn the curtain that separates man and G_d.  Or it could be moths. Now I think of it the tear that isn’t there must be to do with the moths that also aren’t there. In fact even the sewing machine was a figment of your imaginations.  

SFX sewing machine very prominent at this point.

PRIEST                    (pause) You’re not with the media are you?

MONDAY                Why? Do you have anything to cover up? I’m Monday and this is Cleo my partner.

I mean my fellow private investigator and we’re here to get the facts.

PRIEST                    Ah well you’ve come to the right people. Now what you have to realise is this guy Jesus was a danger to the community.

MONDAY                What did he do?

PRIEST                    Healed the sick, cast out demons, cured the crippled on Sundays, preached love, peace and compassion. (pause) Well we can’t have that sort of thing. It gives religion a bad name.  But the minute we brought it up, he starts criticising us! G_d knows we tried to be reasonable – we were offering a flogging as a first offence but no. Floggings not good enough for some people. 

CLEOPAS                What’s with the G_d stuff.

PRIEST                    Can’t say the name of G_d might take it in vain.

CLEOPAS                Oh that’s alright then. I thought you had hiccups.

MONDAY                So getting back to this peace loving miracle worker, you didn’t like him because he was healing people and telling them to love their enemies?

PRIEST                    Well obviously that makes him a sinner, and unpatriotic to boot. Oh and get this. He started a rumour that he was going to tear down our temple and rebuild it new!

CLEOPAS                How long did he quote to do that?

PRIEST                    Three days.

CLEOPAS                Three days! You’re kidding?  The guy who came in to put a new sink in the office has been at it for two weeks already.

PRIEST                    Yeah, well his old man was a carpenter. Come to think of it he mentioned something else. He kept saying that the “Son of Man” must endure many things, die and three days later, rise.

CLEOPAS                What does that mean?

PRIEST                    Beats me. Ravings of a lunatic. Anyway he's dead now.

MONDAY                When did all this happen?

PRIEST                    Three days ago. Why do you ask?

MONDAY                Because his tomb was found empty this morning.

PRIEST                    He’s dead. He is no more. He has ceased to be. He is bereft of life. He has shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to join the choir invisible. He is an ex-prophet! You hear me? Dead! We killed him!  Hem. An unfortunate series of events killed him and anyone who says otherwise is a liar!

SFX retreating footsteps and defiant last burst of sewing machine.

CLEOPAS                Why wouldn’t he be dead?

MONDAY                That’s what we're going to find out.

6) Pile Lots More Trouble On.

MONDAY(V.O.)   There was something not kosher about the Rabbi's story. Which was pretty serious when you think about it. We needed to speak to the Roman Governor who conducted the trial of Jesus, to get the other side of the story. As a centurion led us into the chambers of the court, we saw Pilate coming back after another set of court cases.  Probably the latest scandal of a dog that had massacred a local shepherd’s flock. The world famous sheepdog trials.

PILATE                    Just let me wash my hands, I’ll be with you in a second.

SFX hand washing

PILATE                    Now, what is it gentlemen?

MONDAY                Sir we'd like to ask you a few questions about the trial of this Jesus of Nazareth.

PILATE                    Very well.

MONDAY                What was his defence to the allegations of the Chief Priests?

PILATE                    Defence? He didn’t say a word. Just stood there silent. Have the two of you ever considered following his example?

CLEOPAS                No defence? Was he in denial?

PILATE                    Baptised in de Jordan apparently.

MONDAY                What was he found guilty of?

PILATE                    Annoying important people.

Several other people close by could find out how dangerous this is very shortly.

(sigh)The priests didn’t bring a charge against him that I found to be true.

MONDAY                Then why did you sentence him to crucifixion …sir.

PILATE                    Because everyone seemed to want him dead. Those Pharisees stirred up a real riot you know.

MONDAY                Sir, if I remember correctly, isn't it your custom at the pass-over feast to set a condemned man free? How come this Jesus didn’t get off?

PILATE                    I tried to free him but the people wouldn't hear of it. They asked me to free Barabus instead.

CLEOPAS                Baracus, what was he in for?

PILATE                    He was in for a crucifixion like everyone else here.

MONDAY                The charge?

PILATE                    Five denariius to cover nails and timber. (pause) Oh sorry, escaping from a maximum security prison.

SFX Bom Bom Bommm

PILATE                    There goes the doorbell again. Look speak with the Priests if you have a problem with his death.

MONDAY                Well sir it’s not his death we’re interested in so much as the body.

PILATE                    Oh I see, you want to embalm the body, or some quaint provincial custom like that. No I’m sorry but there’s a guard of highly trained Roman soldiers outside that tomb preventing anyone from going in, and the tomb has my own seal on it. No one goes in, no one gets out, no exceptions, good-bye.

MONDAY                But the body has g...(hem)  

PILATE                    What?!! Spit it out man!

MONDAY                Umm.... Nothing.

CLEOPAS                The body’s gone missing! Someone knocked out all your soldiers, rolled the bolder away from the tomb - breaking your seal, went into the tomb, stole the body and now no-one can find it! What a mess! I shouldn’t be surprised if Caesar hears about this one. (pause) What?

MONDAY                Ix-nay on the ess-may.

PILATE                    I do speak Latin you know. Centurion!

CENTURION          Yes my Lord.

PILATE                    Send a man to bring me those soldiers whom I stationed outside the tomb of Jesus of Nazareth. I’d like to have a little talk with them.

CENTURION          Jesus of Nazar...? Sir! Corporal you heard the man move it!

SFX rapidly moving footsteps.

PILATE                    Now why don’t you gentlemen tell me everything you know about this “stolen” body.

MONDAY                Well you see sir, after the body was “stolen”, no-one seems to have seen or heard anything about it. The religious leaders are acting weird. Let me rephrase that, even by their standards the religious leaders are acting weirdly and to tell the truth our current theory involves angels and people being raised from the dead.

PILATE                    I’m not interested in the truth, I want a rational explanation. Now get out there and find that body and when you do report back to me!

M & C                        Yes sir!

PILATE                    As for these soldiers I believe the lions are getting hungry.

Centurion! Show these two out!

SFX footsteps

CENTURION          You're the two detectives investigating the missing body of Jesus of Nazareth right?

MONDAY(V.O.)    The Centurion looked like someone had not only walked over his grave but set up an army camp for an entire legion to trample his tomb.

MONDAY                Well yes. Do you know something about it?

CENTURION          I was the commanding officer present at Jesus crucifixion.

MONDAY                Then I suppose you didn't approve of him.

CENTURION          On the contrary, I was just following orders. I had nothing myself against the man, who’s blood is on my hands, all over my hands.  And I spent so long scrubbing. Why aren’t they clean?

MONDAY                Well then there's no need to feel guilty …

CENTURION          Shut-up and listen! I tell you this was no ordinary man.

MONDAY                What do you mean?

CENTURION          After we had put him on the cross and all the Jews had come out to mock him, it was then that the great darkness came over the land.

CLEOPAS                Does that a lot, once a night usually.

CENTURION          The sky went black at midday! For 3 hours! How did you not notice?

MONDAY                We ah … don’t have any windows in our office.

CENTURION          And at three Jesus shouted in a loud voice, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" Then he died. I suppose you didn’t feel the earthquake either.  Or see the tombs crack open. Or see the dead walk.

MONDAY                Erm now you mention it...

CENTURION          Some investigators you turned out to be.  I may only be a Roman but even I knew this man was surely the Son of God.

CLEOPAS                And now the body's missing.

CENTURION          I hope you know what you've got yourselves into.

 


8) ‘E may as well tell us 

MONDAY                On that sobering note we continued our investigation. We interviewed court officials, soldiers, fishermen, and tax collectors, lepers, temple guards, lawyers and Pharisees. Each one had a different story to tell about Jesus. But instead of every person revealing another piece of the jigsaw puzzle, it was like each person opened up a whole new puzzle and tipped their pieces on the pile.  Then kicked it.

Everything we found was the exact opposite of what made sense: Jesus loved God, so the religious leaders hated him; he was wiser than all the wise men, so they mocked him; he healed people's injuries, they had him whipped; he told them about life, they plotted out his death - it was all very ironic. Unfortunately the rent was due and the only irony appreciated by our landlord was the circular sort with Caesar’s head on it.

There was only one thing I was sure of in this whole investigation: this should have been a murder case, and instead we'd been hired to look for a missing body.  With no other leads and our landlord threatening to employ irony in the heavy metal bar form we headed to a town called Emmaus, Cleo and I …

CLEOPAS(V.O.)    Cleopas. Cle-o-pas.

MONDAY(V.O.)    You can’t hear this bit! It’s internal dialogue.

CLEOPAS(V.O.)    Sorry Monday.        

MONDAY(V.O.)    Cleopas and I decided to check out a sighting there since we'd had no luck in Jerusalem. And the bars here knew us too well to run a tab. As we walked along the road to Emmaus, we went back over the case.

MONDAY                Alright let's start from the beginning. What have we got?

CLEOPAS                Nothing.  Not a penny.  Just the shirts on our backs.

MONDAY                No I mean what are the facts?

CLEOPAS                Oh. Facts, facts … OK Monday there was a dead corpse in a tomb last Friday.

MONDAY                Which was it.

CLEOPAS                It was Friday Monday.

MONDAY                OK let’s just call it last week.

CLEOPAS                OK, sealed in by a boulder on the Governor's orders and guarded by Roman soldiers.

MONDAY                Pretty strange to be guarding a body. Why were they doing that?

CLEOPAS                Because people didn't want it stolen.

MONDAY                What people?

CLEOPAS                The Roman Governor.

MONDAY                Why was he worried about a body getting stolen?

CLEOPAS                He's wasn't, when we talked to him he didn't seem interested at all.

MONDAY                So someone must have put him up to it.

CLEOPAS                The Priests.

MONDAY                Right. The religious heavies wanted Jesus out of the picture because he was muscling in on their territory.

CLEOPAS                So they start the dirty tricks and legal problems to see if he'll slip up and give them a reason to charge him.  But instead he outsmarts them every time.

MONDAY                So they arrest him, drag him to court and bring false charges against him. But when the governor looks into it he finds that according to all records this guy never broke a single law in his entire life! So why was he convicted and sentenced to death by crucifixion?

CLEOPAS                The priests and Pharisees had stirred up the crowd and Pilate thought it was easier to have Jesus killed than have a riot on his hands. Hey we're getting somewhere here.

MONDAY                No we're not. Right up until there it's a perfect plot, the religious leaders have tricked Jesus and now he has to defend himself before the Regional Governor on a death sentence. What's our problem?

CLEOPAS                He doesn't give a defence.

MONDAY                Greatest legal mind of the generation - so why didn't he defend himself? He got a guilty harlot off on a technicality.

CLEOPAS                And even if Pilate wouldn't do the right thing, why not use those miraculous powers of his to save himself?

MONDAY                Hmmm. So they crucified him, the sky turned black, there was an earthquake - and who knows what else - Jesus dies, is taken down from the cross and buried in a tomb.

CLEOPAS                And at that time the priests worry that Jesus predicted that he would suffer, die and then raise himself back to life in three days. The last thing they wanted was one of his followers stealing the body and claiming he had risen from the dead. So the Governor, wanting to get them out of his hair, says "OK take a guard of soldiers and make the tomb as secure as you can".

MONDAY                A-huh.

CLEOPAS                They roll a stone in front of the tomb, seal it with the Governor's ring, and post the soldiers outside.

MONDAY                Problem: the body goes missing, presumably stolen by a ten foot man with a radiant, glowing face. Who let’s face it should stand out a bit in a crowd.

CLEOPAS                But who no-one's seen-nor heard of since.

MONDAY                And we're back to where we started. 

JESUS                      What are you guys talking about?

MONDAY(V.O.)    We hadn’t even heard the guy walk up behind us. He was a strange sort, with an odd smile that suggested that he had thought about life long enough to see the joke and something made your eyes hurt to look at him.  Though with my hangover that wasn’t all that unusual.

CLEOPAS                Are you a tourist? We’re talking about Jesus – just like everyone else.

MONDAY                You know - the prophet - powerful in word and in deed. The one the priests had crucified.

CLEOPAS                People had hoped he was the one who would save Israel.

MONDAY                What's more now his body has gone missing. We've heard about giant people knocking out soldiers, boulders moving, conspiracy, corrupt officials, and we haven't got a clue what's going on.

JESUS                      How is it you are slow of heart to believe everything that the prophets have spoken about this very man. Isn't it written that the Christ would have to suffer these very things to save God's people?

It has happened just like Isaiah prophesied: He was despised and rejected by men. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he didn't speak in his defence. By oppressive judgement he was cut off from the land of the living and assigned a grave with the wicked, though he had done nothing wrong. The punishment that brings us peace was on him, and by his wounds we wicked are healed. Therefore God will prolong his days, and after the suffering of his soul he will see the light of life.

MONDAY(V.O.)   While Cleopas and I listened, the man on the road explained to us everything that was in the scriptures concerning Jesus (who he called "Christ"), starting right back with Moses and working through all the prophets. We listened in amazement and by the time he had finished it was dark and we were at Emmaus, so we persuaded him to come and eat with us.

MONDAY               OK, you two stay here while I go and get Thomas. I may need you to explain to him as well. Who knows, maybe he'll give us partial credit on the job?

JESUS                      I've already explained the situation to Thomas. Thank you Father of heaven and earth for this meal.

(pause)

MONDAY                Hey where did he go? (pause) You don’t think that really was Jesus?

CLEOPAS                Weren't our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and explained the scriptures to us?

MONDAY                You know what this means?

CLEOPAS                There is a God who loves us and has sent his Son to make a way for us to live eternally in paradise with him?

MONDAY                Oh way more important than that!  For once in our lives we're going to get paid!

M & C                        To Jerusalem!

SFX footsteps running.


9) Thomas! Did You Miss Us?

MONDAY(V.O.)    So with hearts pounding and minds spinning, Cleopas and I sprinted all the way back to Jerusalem stopping at only 3 bars, two taverns and an inn on the way. Once inside the city walls we ran straight, well more in a sort of weaving fashion, to the house of Thomas, called Didymus. Him I mean not the house.  Not stopping to knock, we bowled in to tell him the good news!

SFX door slamming back on hinges

MONDAY                Where is he? Thomas!

CLEOPAS                Thomas! Did y’miss us?

THOMAS                 What do you want?

M & C                        We saw him!

THOMAS                 Who?

M & C                        Jesus!

CLEOPAS                He's alive! There is no dead corpse!

MONDAY                He's risen from the dead, just like he said he would!

CLEOPAS                You have to believe us!

THOMAS                 I believe you.

MONDAY                He's risen!

THOMAS                 I know!

CLEOPAS                We saw him!

THOMAS                 So did I!

MONDAY                Halleluia!

THOMAS                 Halleluia!

MONDAY                This is great!

THOMAS                 I can't pay you.

M & C                        What!

THOMAS                 I can't pay you, three women claimed the reward earlier this morning. I didn't believe them at first but when he appeared to me, well I paid them off not twenty minutes ago.

MONDAY                But …. But don't we get partial credit?

THOMAS                 Sorry guys, I'm all cleaned out.

MONDAY                It's just not fair!

CLEOPAS                There, there.

SFX Bom Ba Dum Bom

MONDAY(V.O.)   And with that, the mystery of disappearing body of Jesus of Nazareth was solved.

Jesus appeared to over five hundred people before he ascended into heaven, all of whom filed a class action lawsuit against Thomas, called Didymus, for their cut of of the reward money. Thomas subsequently declared bankrupt and became a travelling preacher, moving from place to place, telling everyone he met about the good news of Jesus Christ's resurrection.

As for me? I decided mother had been right and gave up the private-eye business to pursue a short-lived acting career. These days I’m helping Thomas in his travelling ministry. I’m still waiting to get paid.

Cleopas, on the other hand, remained a detective-for-hire for three more years  and encountered another missing person’s case about a man called Peter who disappeared from a prison - but that's another story.

SFX Bom Ba Dum Bom

The Case of the Missing Corpse. Case closed.

SFX End theme